Our Story: 02/01/2019

Sunday, February 3, 2019

Transparency

It has been a while since I have written a post, and as I think about the last three years I realize how much has happened. It is hard to believe all that has taken place since Greg had his 47th birthday. He had just been diagnosed with brain cancer and we were trying to figure out how we were going to deal with the new direction our life had taken.

Then, this was when we were celebrating his 48th birthday and

49th was his first in heaven.

Ever looked at a tapestry up close? They never look like anything until you see them from a distance and then you can see a clearer picture. I feel like that is what this past year has looked like for me. I have been very confused about things at times, but have always known that the Lord has a plan for our lives and I just needed to wait and the plan would be shown to me more clearly.

This is how I have seen things at times....

But lately, I am seeing things clearer.

So many people encouraged us and cheered us on as we walked the cancer journey. Then we experienced the worst possible year as we had to face life alone without Greg. What was interesting to me is how many people continually said how they were inspired by how transparent we were throughout our journey. This always bothered me a little bit b/c I never felt like I have been completely transparent. I mean, who is? Well, I have been seeing so many posts about suicide and depression and people facing things that are very dark in their lives. In light of that, I felt like it was unfair for people to think that I was handling Greg's passing without having any down times. Let me share a little about my experience. After Greg passed, Annie and I immediately started Christian counseling. I also attended a GriefShare group, which helped considerably. However, even though those things help, they don't "fix" things. Many people wonder when we will be "better." Truth is, we may never be completely whole again.

You see pictures of us happy and for the most part, we are happy. Those aren't for show or just pictures I choose to post. A few months ago I decided I would start taking pictures of myself at times when I wasn't necessarily happy. I feel if I am going to be, "transparent" I need to post those pictures as well. I want you to see that even really happy, joyful people, have bad days and are sad and miss their loved ones so deeply it cuts to their very core.

When Greg was on hospice I would pray and beg God not to allow me to lose my joy. That was my biggest fear. I loved serving God and living my life for Him, He brought me joy. So, it really scared me to think I would one day lose that joy. I am so thankful that I have NOT lost my joy. I actually have a bookmark that says, " Choose Joy". Which is exactly what I feel I have to do many days.

I think unless you have lost someone extremely close to you, you can't fully understand how it feels and how hard it is to deal with grief. It has now been one year and almost 2 months. The things I am finding to be so hard is learning to live life fully as a widow. Eating at restaurants alone, going to movies alone, shopping alone, driving alone, sleeping alone, worshipping alone, I am not saying those things so that all of you will call me and say, " I will do those things with you." I am just explaining that I am learning to be alone. That is my new life and it is hard. As hard as it is, it is also really good. God continues to encourage me and guide me and bless me. I can feel Greg cheering us on and I know he would be proud of us all. So, I need you all to know that I am NOT depressed, I am simply being transparent and that means showing you that I am happy most days, but not all days and that is ok. I am seeing the tapestry in a different light now and it is encouraging.

Although we have had a tough past, our future is looking bright! Jerod and Bri are planning their wedding and we are very excited about that! They will be getting married in May. Alex has found a sweet girl named Catherine to spend time with and we are excited to get to know her better! He has also changed his major and is looking forward to studying youth ministry. Annie has enjoyed doing school with Jessica and has been doing well she is also enjoying spending time with friends. I have been blessed with a new job. I will start working as a CNA at Novant hospital in a few weeks. I am very excitedand can't wait for this new opportunity. Thank you all for your continual support and prayers and look for many more joyful pictures to come!