Oceans

I have been thinking a lot about Oceans. Maybe because I am needing to see one, or maybe because my life seems like I am stuck in one. Many people ask me how I am doing and that is truly the hardest question to answer. The truth is that some days I feel like I am doing okay. Other days I feel as if I can't breathe.

Do you remember when your kids were little and they would look at the ocean and its enormity? They were scared because they probably could sense the power of the waves and knew it was smart to be cautious. I can remember like it was yesterday as Jerod, Alex and Annie would start with just there tiny feet being touched by the incoming tide, and then they would slowly inch forward. Then Greg (I was never a fan of playing in the ocean) would walk them out a bit further holding their hands as they went deeper. Their fear lessened as they went further because they were holding the hand of the one they trusted. However, sometimes a big wave would hit Greg and he would have to scoop them up in his arms and try to keep his balance while holding his children.

Lately, I feel like I am the one who is walking out into the ocean. I am walking, holding the hands of all three kids as we walk into the ocean together. Sometimes, we are all jumping up and are happy as we enjoy the fun feeling of riding the waves. Other times a wave might hit one of us and knock that person down, but the great part is that we are all holding hands so we can pull each other up. The hard part is when a large wave hits and we are all hit at the same time. That is when we lean heavily on our Heavenly Father. He seems to reach down from Heaven and pick us up just when we need Him to. He has been so good to us and has taken such good care of us and we are so grateful! It doesn't make it hurt any less when you 'hit the bottom of the ocean and the wind is knocked out of you' and you are fighting for your next breath, but it makes it bearable. Someone asked me if I would go back if I could and change things. That is a very difficult question. Selfishly, I would love to have my precious husband back her beside me to do life with. However, I would never want to have him leave Heaven to do so. I mean, he is in Heaven! He has no pain, he doesn't have to floss or go to the dentist, or take vitamins, or any medications, he doesn't have to worry, or pay bills or have any stress or gosh, anything that is annoying to us! So, although this road we are walking is hard, I wouldn't change it because Greg is perfect and I am growing closer to the Lord through this journey. I pray that others are as well.

This song has encouraged me.
https://youtu.be/teC0cmS_Y_o

Right now we are all riding the waves and everything is going well. However, grief never seems to let you know when it will raise its ugly head and knock you to the ground. Please keep all of us in your prayers as we continue to walk each day trying to figure out what the Lord would have us to do.

Right now, our biggest prayer concern is Annie's schooling. We are looking for someone, and not just anyone, to teach Annie this upcoming school year. Maybe a recent graduate from high school, or someone wanting to take a break from college for a year. I can not pay much, but I can offer room and board. Annie needs someone that will do 99% of the schooling hands on. Museums and field trips in the area, she learns best by seeing and doing. If you know of anyone that may be interested, please let me know. We will be picky, as this needs to be a good fit for me and Annie. But we are praying and trust God has a plan in place.

Please also pray for Jerod as he is leaving for China on Thursday with his fiance, Bri, and roommate, Josh. They will be there for 5 weeks teaching English. Alex is in New Mexico working with World Changers and Annie is at Camp Cheerio for 2 weeks. I am starting my clinicals this week and will be working in a nursing home. I am so very excited about this new chapter in my life and I do pray the Lord will open many doors for me in the future. I will be done with school in the middle of July and hopefully become a certified nurse's assistant the first week of August.

Thanks so much for continually walking this journey with us and praying for us as we ride the waves! Here are some of the photos of us riding the great ones!

Jerod proposed, and Bri accepted! 

Jerod graduated! 

Annie and I celebrated Mother's Day together

And Father's Day

And she went to Camp Cheerio! 

Seasons

I have been thinking a lot about the different seasons and what they signify. I mean, in general, we all know that spring is about rebirth, the newness of life, summer is about the growth of that life, then comes fall when everything changes colors, and begins to die and then winter is a time when everything is dead or in hibernation. I actually looked up the definitions of each season and it was a bit alarming how much our journey has been in alignment with the seasons of this past year.

Here is what the dictionary said:
Springtime: the season of growth
Summer: the period of finest development, happiness, or beauty;
Autumn: a time of full maturity, esp. the late stages of maturity or the early stages of decline
winter: a period of time characterized by coldness, misery, barrenness, or death.

So, I have actually been thinking about what the Bible has to say about seasons. Here is what it says:
Ecclesiastes 3 (NIV)

A Time for Everything

3   There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens;
2    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3   a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4   a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5   a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6   a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7   a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8   a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.


    I am sure most of you have heard this verse before. Lately, I have been in the 
time to plant and time to uproot season. I just came out of the time to be born and time to die season, so, if things go in order... I will be at a time to kill! Oh, yeah, I already did that too! I killed a snake! 😆 And, there is no way I will ever get past the second part of #7! I don't know how to be silent! 

So, here is the thing, I have had a difficult time with this season of spring. For many reasons. Obviously, the main reason is this is my first spring without Greg. He loved spring, he would sing a goofy song he made up about buds a burstin' and it made us both happy. He loved to hear the sound of weedeaters and mowers and the smell of fresh cut grass. So, I have had a somewhat difficult time as I have taken on his favorite job of cutting grass and doing yard work. I have been doing everything I know to make our yard look good. 

This was last spring. 

As you can see from this lovely picture of my yard, 

I have a long way to go before it looks nice. 

I put weed killer down and well, I guess that is all I had. 

I have decided that the Lord is teaching me patience. That is what I am to learn during this season of grief. At least for now. I am asked multiple times a week how I am doing. I want so badly to say, " I am doing great!" But that would just be a big lie. I am not doing great. I struggle daily to find the joy I know I possess. It usually peeks it's sweet head out a few times during the day, however, so does sadness. If you have ever seen the movie, Inside Out, you know they go hand in hand. I know I must walk through this season of sadness in order to find my joy. But I want so badly to just skip all the work and just get to the joy part. Grieving is a lot of work.

I will be patient. I will be patient for the joy to come and for my yard to one day be pretty again. I have been told I will probably just need to wait until next year before I have grass and it may be that way for complete joy as well. So sad. I think what has made doing the yard work so sad is seeing the things that Greg planted all dead. Last year for mother's day he bought me this beautiful rose bush in my favorite color. He babied it, gave it rose food, watered it and it was so pretty. I was looking forward to seeing it again this year. However, it has no life. I have cried over it and even my tears haven't brought it back to life. 

That is the same bush, one year later. 

I am now trying to find the same kind to replant it. 

He also planted a Crepe Myrtle. It was the last thing he planted. So, I truly wanted it to live. 

I went out to this tree and sat down beside it, prayed the Lord would heal it as it clearly had no life. I felt stupid praying over a tree, but my heart was truly broken that Greg had put so much love into a tree and it too was gone. I waited a few weeks and decided it was time to cut it down and buy a new one. I went out to the tree and all I could do was smile. There at the base of the tree was life. Precious little shoots of life. So I pruned it. I feel like God is pruning me. Truly cutting off the old parts that I don't need anymore so that new life can grow. 

In this picture, it looks like that green is coming from the ground, 

but I assure you, it is coming from Greg's precious Crepe Myrtle! 

His tree in our front yard hasn't grown any, however, there is a shoot off the bottom of it as well. 

The kids were adamant that our "cross tree" was to stay and so it has become a permanent fixture in our front yard. I am sure people wonder about us, but that is fine with me. 

I know that during this season of planting and uprooting and grief, that the Lord is still near to me. I have actually asked Him to, no begged Him to show me that He is there and He is listening. Then He does something like bring a seemingly dead tree to life for me. There is also great significance to the little bird on the cross. I wasn't sure if I was going to share this, but I decided you might like to hear it. When Greg and I were dating we would sometimes see a bird flying near us, or beside our car, as if it was guiding our way. It was a nice reminder that we have Savior that guides our way. We named it Timpybird. It was just one of the silly things we did, I have no idea where that name came from.  But since Greg has been gone, I see Timpybird everywhere. It has been that sweet reminder that someone, not a bird, but a creator is guiding me on this journey of life. 

Please pray for our family as we have lots of new things happening over the next month. Jerod will be graduating from Liberty University! We are all so excited about this and can't wait to see what God has in store for his future. Then he will be heading to China to teach English for the summer. Alex will be starting a summer job with World Changers and Annie will be heading to Camp Cheerio. I will be going back to school for the summer. I am taking a CNA class so I can become a Certified Nurses Assistant. I am hoping to work for Hospice in the future. I am praying that God will guide me and show me exactly where He wants me to work. Thank you all for following us on this journey. Love you all! 

Here are a few pictures from this month. 

Ran another 5k that was run in memory of Greg. 

It was run to raise money for missions. Alex filmed it, and it was on his 19th birthday!

We celebrated his birthday with pizza and a movie. 

And of course makeovers! 

Then these cutie boys had to go back to school. 

Annie and I went on a field trip to a museum about Mexico. 

 

Annie has been working on training her little puppy. 

We still have work to do, but little Sunny is a joy! 

Scars

I have been thinking a lot about scars. As we are in the middle of Easter weekend it is a great time to think about the scars on Jesus' hands after he had returned to his followers. I am sure I would have been a lot like Thomas. I would have had to see the scars on his hands to really believe it was actually Jesus. 

John 20:24-29 (NIV)

Jesus Appears to Thomas

24 Now Thomas, one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. 25 So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord!" But he said to them, "Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand in his side, I will not believe." 26 A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you!" 27Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe." 28Thomas said to him, "My Lord and my God!" Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."

I have often wondered about the scars on Jesus' hands. Why were they still there? Although I am far from a biblical scholar, I feel sure it is so we can all remember what Jesus did for us. His scars, although came from extreme pain, bring us great joy now.  I am so very thankful for the way He suffered and died for my sins so that one day I will be able to live in Heaven with Him. I am thankful that He is NOT dead, but truly lives in Heaven and has prepared a place for us. That gives me hope. 

It is not just Jesus' scars that have had me thinking. There are a different kind of scars all over my house. They are scars that have been left by my sweet husband. In the last few months of Greg's life, he drove an electric wheelchair all over our house. Now they are not exactly easy to drive and we have some scars to prove that. At first, when someone would ask what I needed, I would say, "I need my walls fixed." 

This is our biggest wall scar. Greg made this on many occasions as he was making his way to our bedroom  Now, when this happened, I  would cringe and think,

 I will fix that as soon as possible.  

                                            This is the scar on our dishwasher. At one point
                                Greg was using our kitchen sink and went in reverse instead
                                   of going forward causing a large scratch on the dishwasher.
                               Again, I cringed and thought, I have no idea how I will fix that.

About a year ago now, we moved into our new home and had new floors put in. I was so excited and loved my new house and my new floors. Shortly after that, I bought bunk beds for the boy's room. Greg, Alex and I were putting it together and a nail got stuck underneath one of the legs and when they moved it, the nail dug into the floor and made a huge scratch. I cried over my precious new floors. Greg was so sweet about the whole thing and told Alex to let me cry and explained how important these floors were to me. That scar on the floor means so much to me now. I can remember how we put the bed together and how sweet he was about the floor being ruined. Funny how what seemed as such a bad thing at the time, has become so beautiful to me now. 

This is a scar that was left by a medicine bottle during the last week of

 Greg's life. As hard as that time was, I never want to forget it. I got some of it off and intentionally left the rest. 

Now, Annie has some scars on her leg that have been left from her burn accident. At one point we went to a dermatologist and she told us she could have these scars lasered and they wouldn't be noticeable. Annie told me she didn't want to have them removed because she always wanted to remember what God had done through that experience. At the time, I didn't fully understand this.

I am now at that same point that Annie came to about her scars. I don't want those scars removed from my walls, dishwasher, floor or table. 

Just like the scars on Jesus' hands are beautiful to us now and they came from pain, these things I have described all came from pain or difficult circumstances but now they bring me joy. I love to run my finger over the mark on my bedside table and remember those precious evenings when he would whisper, "water" or "coffee" or "OJ." I see that mark on my wall multiple times a day and I have to smile thinking that Greg never was the best driver and it makes me laugh a little at how he would see dents on our car and he would sheepishly say, "I think I know how that got there."  

I am thankful for scars. I will always think differently about things that make lasting marks because even the painful marks sometimes bring beautiful memories. I pray you all have a beautiful and memorable Easter! 

These photos are from our spring break, Brain Tumor Race, and a few others. 

We had a great time at Cherry Grove for spring break. 

Thanks to Uncle Billy and Aunt Ann!  

Had a great time playing arcade games with these 3. 

We love our sweet little puppy, Sunny, but Max is definitely Mama's puppy! 

 I have some seriously sweet boys! 

We had fun playing putt-putt at our favorite course. 

Ate seafood at our favorite seafood restaurant! 

Everyone loved little Sunny! 

We were amazed at the support we had at the Brain Tumor Race! Our team had 44! 

We love our church and our pastors! 

Mike, our youth pastor has been a huge blessing to our family! We love you Mike! 

This was Annie making sure Mike was rocking his tutu for the race! 

Annie with her bestie, Tassie and her mentor, Erica. We love both of them! 

This was taken by the race photographer of my friend, Mindy and I as we started the race. 

I was so blessed by my high school buddies who joined me for this day and supported me! 

Greg was there to cheer me on!

Although, we were Greg's G.O.A.T.S , He really was THE G.O.A.T.! 

(GREATEST OF ALL TIMES)

Friends from church. 

My sister, her boyfriend, Chris and his son, Jordan and my nephew, Mason and our friend, Lauren. 

Annie with Greg

My sister-in-law, Jenny and niece, Caroline came to spend a week with us. 

We had a great time and were so encouraged by them being here. I am truly blessed by my family!

Love my "Sissy!"

Thank you all for your continued prayers! Love, Missy

3 months...

It has now been a little more than 3 months since Greg went to live in Heaven. I have often wondered how people cope with losing someone they love. I now know, it is extremely difficult. I have thought a lot about where I am in the grief process and how I have handled the past 3 months. When I was pregnant with my children it never truly felt real to me until I was about 3 months along. In some respects, that is how I feel about Greg's passing. It has almost felt like he has been on a long trip, but each day it becomes more real to me that he is never coming back. It is so hard.

Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. 

The last 3 months of Greg's life were very difficult for both of us, mentally and physically. So, after he passed I was eager to do all the things I hadn't been able to do. However, I am finding out now that has drained every ounce of my energy and some days I don't know if I am coming or going.

Last week I hit a breaking point and decided something had to change. So, I asked Greg what I should do. ( I talk to him often.) Please don't get me wrong, I pray as well, I just wondered what advice Greg would give me on the situation I had put myself in. I was quickly reminded of a story. Many years ago before cell phones and GPS, I was driving home from a weekend trip and I got lost. I had gotten off on a highway going S instead of N or N instead of S, I can't remember.  However, I didn't realize this error until I had driven for about 2 hours in the wrong direction and saw a 'Welcome to Virginia' sign. I found a pay phone and called Greg and cried and cried as I told him what I had done. He was so sweet and he calmed me down and asked me if I knew where I was. I cried again as I said, "Yes, I know exactly where I am now, but I am so far from home." He said, "But, you know where you are, if you know where you are, you know how to get home." Of course, he was right, I was just tired and knew it just meant I wasn't going to get home for about 3 more hours, instead of one. So, when I had my breakdown last week, I could hear him say, "You know what the problem is, so if you know what this problem is you know how to fix it." My problem being I have just put way too much on my plate too soon. I have tried to do too much too soon and honestly, I am doing good to just survive. So I have started to do away with anything in my life that I don't have to be doing, or don't love doing.

People often ask me how I am doing and I say, "Fine." The truth is if I tell you I am fine it is because if I told you how I really am I may start crying and not stop. I am not depressed, truly I am not, but to say I am fine is ridiculous. I am living my life for the first time in more than 23 years without my best friend, I will never be the same again. I am just trying to figure out what our new normal is.

Please pray for our family as we celebrate spring break next week without Greg. This will be tough for us all, however, we know he would want us to make new, fun memories. We will finish our spring break week with the Brain Tumor Race where I plan on running the 5k in his memory. I am hoping I can make it the entire way, we shall see. If you would like to join or donate to this cause, here is the link: Charlotte Brain Tumor Race: Greg's G.O.A.T.s - National Brain Tumor Society

Here is what we have been up to in pictures.

Annie, and her two friends, Tassie and Amy and her new puppy, Sunny.

Max is like a teenager trying to get used to having a sister in the house. Not so excited about it. 

Love our pastor who was teaching Annie how to share Jesus. 

 Annie and MamaSay. (my mom) Please continue to pray for her 

as she heals from her back surgery. She is doing very well. 

We appreciate you following us on this journey. Love, Missy and the kiddos